雅思大作文6.5分范文分析

雅思托?？荚囀侨蜃顝V泛使用的英語(yǔ)語(yǔ)言考試之一，被許多國(guó)家的大學(xué)、移民機(jī)構(gòu)、企業(yè)和政府部門(mén)用作衡量語(yǔ)言能力的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)?？忌枰诼?tīng)、說(shuō)、讀、寫(xiě)四個(gè)方面進(jìn)行測(cè)試，其中有不少同學(xué)想要了解：雅思大作文6.5分范文分析，那么下面中國(guó)教育在線小編就來(lái)和大家分享一番。

寫(xiě)作提分的第一步，是了解目標(biāo)分?jǐn)?shù)對(duì)應(yīng)的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)要求。本期，搬運(yùn)國(guó)外雅思學(xué)習(xí)網(wǎng)站ieltpodcast范文分析過(guò)來(lái)，通過(guò)逐句分析范文在TR、CC、LR、GRA的表現(xiàn)，幫助大家理解評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，了解現(xiàn)有水平與目標(biāo)分?jǐn)?shù)的差距，明確努力方向。以下范文為6.5分，大家應(yīng)學(xué)習(xí)批改意見(jiàn)，積累話題ideas和topic vocabulary，目標(biāo)7+考生尤其要注意learn from mistakes，如果你也有文中指出的各種問(wèn)題，那么發(fā)現(xiàn)并避免它們，就是提分的突破口。

這道也是2020年2月出現(xiàn)在其他考區(qū)的G類(lèi)筆試真題。

字體顏色與評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)對(duì)應(yīng)關(guān)系：桔色-TR、藍(lán)色-CC、紫色-LR、綠色-GRA

題目：Some people believe that employees should stay in the same job for the rest of their lives. Others think they should switch jobs at least once during their career. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

正文：Recently majority of individuals has become more aware (用recently和majority of individuals改述不夠自然，可以用These days...most young people...)of what university program they have to pursue, in order to launch a great career that will lead them to acquire a high salary in the future and that will achieve the life (準(zhǔn)確使用了固定搭配pursue a course of study, launch a career) that they have been dreaming for (搭配錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)該是dream of sth). However, staying in one company or running just one business it (句子結(jié)構(gòu)錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)去掉it) must be changeable in this century, to make people life (peoples lives) more interesting and stimulating. yet, a small numbers of people believes that working at the same job from the beginning until the end of their life its (句子結(jié)構(gòu)錯(cuò)誤，去掉its，用is) better than working in a different spots with different skills from while to while (應(yīng)該是from time to time). In contrast (連接詞使用恰當(dāng)), other folks (這個(gè)詞不適合用于正式寫(xiě)作) thinks its crucial to make alterations and changes in your life positions. However, in this essay I will analyze both sides of the argument before presenting my opinion (扣題不錯(cuò)，改寫(xiě)題目并概括全文).

譯文（修改后）：現(xiàn)在多數(shù)年輕人都更明確自己在大學(xué)里要學(xué)什么，從而為以后找到一個(gè)高薪的工作過(guò)上自己想要的生活做好準(zhǔn)備。但是在這個(gè)時(shí)代，要想生活更新鮮有趣，一直在一個(gè)公司或從事一種行業(yè)的現(xiàn)象必須改變。但是，一些人認(rèn)為一輩子做一個(gè)工作比總是在不同的地方工作要好。相反，其他人覺(jué)得變化很重要。本文將分析雙方觀點(diǎn)并給出自己的意見(jiàn)。

補(bǔ)充：這道題的背景句稍微復(fù)雜一些，開(kāi)頭段的改述篇幅可以略長(zhǎng)，但上述寫(xiě)法的鋪墊過(guò)多，不夠簡(jiǎn)潔，觀點(diǎn)句也可以更明確。

firstly, Some people thinks (大寫(xiě)、主謂一致，語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤) that it is good for the employees to continue working for their current employer throughout their life extension (這個(gè)表達(dá)很奇怪，應(yīng)該是their working lives或their careers) / (論點(diǎn)扣題). nevertheless (連接詞使用不當(dāng)), being in a stable career for a long period will boost the employer skills and qualifications that will lead to a convenient life. A prime example of that (用這個(gè)短語(yǔ)來(lái)引出例子很好) / (舉例論述很好) will be a study by the Harvard university that indicates 50 percent of the American professional (這里應(yīng)該用復(fù)數(shù)) who have been working in the same job for over 20 years (準(zhǔn)確使用了從句和現(xiàn)在完成進(jìn)行時(shí)) have superior salary package (應(yīng)該用復(fù)數(shù)) and great senior positions.

譯文（修改后）：首先，一些人認(rèn)為一輩子都為現(xiàn)在的雇主工作對(duì)雇員是好的。長(zhǎng)期穩(wěn)定的職業(yè)生涯能提升雇員的能力和資歷并帶來(lái)方便的生活。一個(gè)很好的例子就是哈佛大學(xué)的研究表明50%的從事同一個(gè)工作20年以上的美國(guó)專(zhuān)業(yè)人士有著很好的收入和高級(jí)職位。

補(bǔ)充：這個(gè)段落的突出優(yōu)點(diǎn)是話題詞匯豐富準(zhǔn)確，用不同方式替換了題目中的關(guān)鍵詞，例如題中的stay in the same job for the rest of their lives，被替換成了continue working for their current employer throughout thier careers, being in a stable career for a long period, have been working in the same job for over 20 years等，對(duì)論點(diǎn)中提到的good for employees也用恰當(dāng)?shù)亩陶Z(yǔ)搭配進(jìn)行了解釋?zhuān)鏱oost skills and qualifications, have superior salary packages, senior positions. 目標(biāo)7+考生還可以學(xué)習(xí)用a prime example of that代替常用的for example.

Secondly, on the contrary (引出論點(diǎn)方式恰當(dāng)), other folks believes that altering your job consider as a life changing to extend (句子意思不清晰) the numerous opportunities toacquire loads of new skills (acquire skills是正確的搭配，但loads of不適合用于寫(xiě)作), new friends ties and new different job locations which will lead you to travel around the country or the world. To illustrate, recent world bank studies showed that (這種引出例子的方式很好) 44% of the workers who have been switching their position have a significant health (這個(gè)表達(dá)不自然，應(yīng)該用are in good health或have few health issues)according to the yearly medical surveys. Foretheremore, companies prefer the independent employer who has the courage to obtain skills which they need from his own experience via communicating and involving in a major operations and meeting others who are in a high position to gain the knowledge and the experience that they had (furthermore拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，句子不連貫).

譯文（修改后）：其次，其他人覺(jué)得換工作可以掌握更多新技能，交到更多新朋友，不同的工作地點(diǎn)也可以讓人在全國(guó)甚至世界各地旅行。最近世界銀行的研究表明，從年度醫(yī)療調(diào)研來(lái)看，44%的一直換工作的員工健康狀況很好。而且，企業(yè)更青睞那些有勇氣通過(guò)參與重要項(xiàng)目和認(rèn)識(shí)高職位者來(lái)學(xué)習(xí)知識(shí)和經(jīng)驗(yàn)的有獨(dú)立性的員工。

補(bǔ)充：這一段沒(méi)有語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，但TR和CC問(wèn)題較大。該段的第一個(gè)idea是換工作讓人們學(xué)習(xí)新技能，認(rèn)識(shí)新朋友，讓人們?nèi)ズ芏嗟胤?，但后面的例子是換工作的人健康狀況更好，上下文之間缺乏邏輯連接。第二個(gè)idea由于句子太長(zhǎng)以及可能的用詞錯(cuò)誤而讓人難以理解到底想說(shuō)什么。建議大家寫(xiě)作時(shí)一定要做好plan，整理好ideas之間的關(guān)系再下筆。

To recapitulate (語(yǔ)言組織恰當(dāng)), working in one place for a long time is not an enormous problem but for a better and entertainment (entertainment是名詞，這里應(yīng)該用enjoyable或rewarding) life, people should spend their career life by feeling satisfiedwhich will be with tempt a new experience (不夠連貫) from while to while. however, I Personally (大小寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤) believe that navigate (詞性錯(cuò)誤)from a place to another is suitable for everyone and should everybody to try (everyone should try) different things not only about career life.

譯文（修改后）：總之，在一個(gè)地方工作很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間不是個(gè)問(wèn)題，但是如果想要更好和更有意思的生活，人們應(yīng)該嘗試新的體驗(yàn)。我個(gè)人認(rèn)為每個(gè)人都適合換工作并嘗試不同的東西。

補(bǔ)充：結(jié)尾段和開(kāi)頭段一樣，應(yīng)簡(jiǎn)潔準(zhǔn)確，以上段落錯(cuò)誤較多，目標(biāo)7+考生要注意避免。

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